Carrie Link

Mills and Boon and Winner takes it all

 I'm not into fame,

I think it's superficial.

Big Brother gets me down

more than Gordon Brown.

And Simon Cowell shows

make me wanna Twitter,

expletives even more

than adverts for E-Sure

Michael Winner takes it all.

The loser's Michael Ball.

And if this seems contrived,

it is, at least I tried

I hate you Heather Mills,

but not like Gary Glitter.

I read it in the press

that you have one leg less.

That's not the reason why,

and I am not disablist.

You claimed that you were poor

and wanted millions more.

Mills and Winner take it all.

The loser's Stuart Hall.

And if this seems contrived,

it is, at least I tried

Mills and Winner take it all.

The loser's hit a wall.

I'm sure his voice has died.

It has, at least I tried

I hate you Heather Mills

because you're quite attractive

What the paper's say is true,

so we must all slag off you.

I hate you Donald Duck.

I haven't got a reason.

If Neil Morrisey dies,

would Boon sales multiply?

Mills and Boon and Winner take it all.

The loser's Zoe Ball.

You sing like Darren Day

I think he is ok!

Mills and Boon and Winner take it all.

The loser's Bobby Ball,

You sing just like a bird.

Now that is just absurd!

I don't want to talk

about the rich and famous.

Especially Katie Price

who may have pubic lice (allegedly)

And now the end is near,

we've reached the final curtain,

ad lib: By the way we're available for..........

Mills and Boon and Winner take it all.

The loser's 5 foot tall.

Don't laugh, coz it's contrived

Or we'll take you on outside!

Mills and Boon and Winner take it all.

The loser's Jerry Hall

Because her name just rhymes.

Let's sing it one last time

Mills and Boon and Winner take it all.

The loser's Heather Small.

I love it when words rhyme

I think we're outta time love

I don't think That Jim'll Fix it

I was twenty one stone when I wrote this song,

I'm seventeen stone now and wear a sexy thong,

People ask me how I lost ALL this extra weight-

But when you mention diets, it sparks a mass-debate

I love cake then as I love cake still,

Drank a gallon load of grapefruit juice and popped a slimming pill.

I feel quite bad about letting you know

that when I was ravenous I could eat my middle toe

I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE GYM

I DON'T THINK THAT JIM'LL FIX IT

SO I'LL HAVE A GO AT SLIMMING WORLD

I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE GYM

I DON'T THINK THAT JIM'LL FIX IT

SO FOR NOW I'LL STICK TO SLIMMING WORLD

I love the all-bran you bought me,

but that went through me yesterday.

I tried an enema of Gold Blend,

But think I'd have more luck with Fisherman's Friend

I chomped on 2 Mars Bars last night,

I thought that if I ate them by candlelight-

I wouldn't put on more more pound,

but instead I put on 6 and I'm larger all aro-u-nd

I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE GYM

I DON'T THINK THAT JIM'LL FIX IT

SO I'LL HAVE A GO AT SLIMMING WORLD

I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE GYM

I DON'T THINK THAT JIM'LL FIX IT

SO FOR NOW I'LL STICK TO SLIMMING WORLD

My mouth was full of low fat shit,

believe me it tasted like it.

But haagen Daazs got in the way,

I much preferred it to Special K!

I bet you're won-der-ing how I

managed to lose weight off each thigh.

Atkins failed along with lighter life..

So I took a loan with Northern rock and went under the kni-fe

I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE GYM

I DON'T THINK THAT JIM'LL FIX IT

SO I'LL HAVE A GO AT SLIMMING WORLD

I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE GYM

I DON'T THINK THAT JIM'LL FIX IT

SO FOR NOW I'LL STICK TO SLIMMING

I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE GYM

I DON'T THINK THAT JIM'LL FIX IT

SO I'LL HAVE A GO AT SLIMMING WORLD

HAVE A GO AT SLIMMING WORLD

HAVE A GO AT SLIMMING WORLD (AD LIB TO END)