Donna Scott

 ...wonders if you can be ‘hell-bent on world domination’... would that not be going somewhat in the wrong direction?

Donna has been going in the wrong direction for quite a while. Completely without the assistance of any diabolical navigation system, or DBS as they are better known (they always say turn right anyway... never turn right), she has made her way thus far along the road of potential* day job avoidance – which is not how Chris Rea described it in his song.

Powered by means of Lady Grey tea and copious amounts of carrot cake, Donna has taken her mostly comedic poetry to unsuspecting audiences all over the UK. She was the first official Bard of Northampton from 2009-2010, since which time she has organised a few poetical events, such as coordinating a spoken-word arm of the Caldmore Village Festival in 2010, leading a poetry workshop for the Semilong Residents’ Association in Northampton and hosting Bards in the Bar as part of the Newcon 5 literary festival, attended by Science Fiction luminaries and aficionados.

Donna is also distracted by non-poetical writerly things, such as writing short fiction, some of which has drawn impressive quotes from Alan Moore and Terry Grimwood, and one of her stories has also made Ellen Datlow’s ‘highly recommended’ longlist for 2010 Year’s Best Horror. She is one of the collaborative writers for Literature Northants’ Writing Futures: 48 Hour Book Project and co-editor of Visionary Tongue magazine. Being both a freelance editor for various Science Fiction imprints and Awards Administrator for the British Science Fiction Association makes her a keen reader of new, futuristic stuff, as well as a proud and committed geek. She is also a stand-up comedian and resident MC at Northampton’s We are Most Amused at the Victoria Inn. She is currently writing her first one-woman show, Violet Tendencies, concerned with her favourite Roald Dahl character and her thwarted ambitions.

* This means she is inordinately busy, as she hasn’t been avoiding hers very well.

Slob

I've no wish to be complicit in your life of grime,
but I've got a busy schedule and I really don't have time
to sort out all your crap; I only wish I had.
I just thought I'd mention that it's making me look bad.
'Cause when I walk in through the door, it looks like you've been robbed.
Life is never easy when your boyfriend is a slob.

Is there dust on every surface? No - all surfaces are stacked
with papers, mugs and DVDS - the dust's on top of that.
Is there nowhere you can put these things? Dare I suggest a shelf?
- and the answer I am looking for is not 'do it yourself'.
You could clear out the cellar, but then that's a massive job.
Things are never easy when your boyfriend is a slob.

The kitchen sink is full of grease, the kettle needs descaling;
you've tried to do some washing up, but mostly you've been failing.
I thought I'd help with hoovering, but found it rather tricky;
do you have any explanation why your carpet is so sticky?
No, I don't think I'm nagging you, and really I'm no snob,
it's just that it's not easy when your boyfriend is a slob.

You say you'll cook me dinner and have candlelight for two,
but I'd find you more appealing if you had a nice, clean loo.
Besides, I've seen your dining room and don't think we'd be able
to have a game of footsy with that bike under the table.
I wouldn't eat a tin of soup you'd heated on that hob,
you're at risk of salmonella when your boyfriend is a slob.

You demonstrate such apathy that my words can't help but fail.
You've got more unopened post than the flippin' Royal Mail.
You've got more books and papers than the entire British Library.
I want to help you sort it out, but must I resort to bribery?
You want me to move in with you? That will only happen if
we roll up our sleeves together, and with elbow grease and Cif,
we'll scrub and scour everything, and with a little care
we'll have your whole house sparkling like a diamond solitaire.
But if you were to ask the question now... I think I'd sob;
It's not that I don't love you, but you really are a slob.