P Spencer

Spence is a rather outgoing and cheeky young fella who's love for poetry believe it or not actually sprung from a love of rap music! However he soon came to realise that it wasn't the talk of popping caps or smoking chronic that appealed to him but more the use of wordplay and an extensive vocabulary in a rhythmical manner, thus he realised that poetry was a much better path to take in order to express the thoughts and feelings bubbling away in his brain and attain the laughter of the audience that when seen on stage he so clearly craves!

 Originally putting together small ditties and short pieces to make his friends and family giggle at parties and on nights out, he never believed that his work was of a level that could receive any real recognition. But found rambling away to a small crowd in the smoking garden of a nightclub in Hackney by a now good friend who had a regular open mic night and offered a chance to perform properly, he relished the opportunity and having received much appreciation and applause from his audience upon stepping on stage for the first time was bitten by the bug and knew from that point on poetry would become a passion of his.

 Now regularly found in a pub or club with a slot at an open mic night or comedy showcase it is clear that this young man has an uncanny knack of making comical many of the experiences and observations we all come across in daily life. With his cheeky style and clear desire to make people laugh Spence is someone who can usually extract a giggle or a smile from even the most stern faced of spectators!

All That Really Matters

 I've got this mate right don't get me wrong he's got a heart of gold and he wouldn't harm a fly,

but in terms of words to describe him the 32 point top family fortunes answer would have to be U.G.L.Y!

It's a cruel fact of life but some people are good looking and some people just ain't,

some people walk in a room and everybody goes HELLO and some people could strip paint.

For every five star hotel created by a top chef dish,

the balance has to be restored and there will be someone out there who looks like a fish.

I was chattin' to this friend of mine the other day he was goin' a bit crazy,

he said it'd been a while since he'd had a lady.

Now bearing in mind these geezers got a face like a bullfrog by the way his names Fred,

imagine my amusement when he piped up and said.

I was seeing this girl once her name was Vicki,

she was quite ugly but I'm not picky. (yeah no shit beggers cant be chosers)

He then went on to say it doesnt matter she could be good looking ugly big fat or scrawny,

I just need a girl I'm so bloody horny.

WOH! I said chill out I dont wanna know,

don't be puttin' ya sexual preferences on show.

Chill out mate it'll be all right,

come out with me we'll have a drink tonight.

So we're down the pub up to the bar and we assume the stance,

a couple of beers n a bit of a dance.

Sure enough sooner or later some bird from across the room gives him a cheeky wink,

but I can tell he's getting nervous coz he starts to twitch and blink,

I'm like don't fuck about go buy her a drink.

I can see his confidence rising like inflation,

as I'm off to the room where you commit urination.

Ten minutes later I'm back from the toilet they've finished their drinks left the table n they're headin' for the door,

he puts his arm round her shoulder gives me a cheeky wink n trips n drags the poor girl to the floor.

Now I can't believe it n without thinking,

I squirt out a mouthful of the beer that I'm drinking.

All over some woman wearing a lovely white shirt,

which has now gone see through and her breasts are really pert!

Probably due to the fact that I'm slightly aroused,

I grab a tissue n start rubbin' her blouse.

Sorry love I really didn't mean it,

but it's too bloody late her boyfriend's seen it.

He caught me with a hook without no warning,

The results of which were a black eye the next morning.

I stumble away wounds n all,

back to my table looking a fool.

I said to my other mate where's he gone with that bird have ya seen 'er.

he said they was over there on the floor laughing like hyenas.

I can't believe it I thought she woulda scarpered,

after a stunt like that not collapse on the floor in a fit of laughter.

Anyway it's getting late I'm gonna run,

Kebab cab shit shower shave and I'm done!

I wake up in the mornin' do a bit of yawning have a stretch,

whack on my slippers off to the bathroom I letch.

First port of call I think I'll give him a bell,

kebab stuck to the side of my face which explains the funny smell.

Hello mate how's it goin' you all right,

how'd it go with that bird ya know the one from last night.

He said you won't believe it I think I'm onto a winner,

she's coming round tuesday I'm cooking her dinner.

She said I was really charming n very funny,

she kept touchin' my arm n calling me honey.

What did I tell ya I said you'd sort it out,

you've come to the end of your womanly drought.

Look after yaself take care n all that,

I put down the phone n trip over the cat.

But the morale of the story n the point I'm tryna make,

before you all fall asleep while your all still awake.

Is even if ya no Brad Pitt and ya confidence is in tatters,

if someone can see you for what's on the inside......well that's ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS :O) 

Contact details 

 E-mail: spence85@btinternet.com  

The Fart Poem 

I was sitting wonderin' ponderin' just the other day,

ain't it funny the things we come out with ya know the things we say.

I mean you'll be there the mornin' after the night before ya been out drinkin',

n a friend or a colleague'll wander over wondering what ya thinkin'.

He'll say I bet you had a few bevvies last night n stumbled home with some tart,

n you'll be like mate I couldn't to be honest I was pissed as a fart.

Pissed as a fart what does that mean,

pissed as a fart picture the scene.

'Ow many times after you've farted,

a release of wind while ya cheeks are parted.

Have you turned around to see a cloud of gas that smells of poo,

with a fag in one hand n a can of special brew!

A fart is a cloud of gas that's smelly,

it doesn't have the capacity to drink n get pissed or watch telly.

Don't get me wrong a fart can be good for a laugh,

feelin' the bubble rise when you fart in the bath.

Or waitin' till your all snuggly and cosy with ya loved one in bed,

then fartin' under the covers n trappin' her head.

Listenin' to her tryna escape with a scream n a shout,

as her eyes start to water n her eyebrows fall out!

Ya got classic methods such as the pull my finger,

sorry guys I do apologize I don't mean to linger.

Upon the subject of flatulence but it's a keen hobby of mine,

a well placed fart can be simply divine.

Say for example your in the cinema and the seat one down,

is occupied by some guy with hair like a clown.

'E's ruinin' the film n ya need him to leave,

just drop a silent but deadly so the geezer can't breathe.

Problem sorted problem solved,

barrin' the fact ya pants 'ave dissolved.

Fartin' on surfaces such as leather now that's doin' it in style,

the reverberations can be heard for about a mile.

A keen favourite of mine n one I'm sure you may not know,

is the none to often used yet effective cup n throw.

Somebody could be in an awkward position or maybe passin' by,

you can throw a fart with great accuracy then laugh as they start to cry.

Fartin' among women is a subject it has to be said can be a little bit taboo,

most women claim they never fart or that they've even ever done a poo.

But I got my theories ladies see I know ya game,

ya fartin' in crowded areas n tryna pass the blame.

Either that or they'll save it all day till they're on the verge of tears,

they wait for the moment when they think they're miles from human ears.

They get home from work n can't control the whinges,

bend down to undo they're shoe laces n blow the front door off the hinges!

That all said though I must confess,

when it comes to fartin' us lads are the best,

there's summin Neanderthal about it it's like a test.

Guarantee you'll see a group of lads in say Tesco or the bank,

n there's always one goin' boys get down on that it is rank.

My all time favourite has to be fartin' in a confined space, 

n tryna keep a straight face.

Say for example your in n elevator ya drop one ya think is that gonna smell,

some geezer at the front starts hammering the fire bell!

Screaming everyone through the roof in single file,

n I'm at the back like that tryin' not to smile.

Anyway I think it's time I started being a little more polite,

I've more than filled my rudeness quota for the night.

So I shall bid you farewell as i leave n depart,

for I am off to get pissed.....yes pissed as a fart :o)