Paul Wallis

Paul only pretends to be a poet, but no-one appears to have noticed this yet so he seems to be getting away with it.”

A legend of the small screen

Slowly,

she shuffles,

her shoulders bent,

her eyes downcast.

And I pity her.

Is she lonely? Or sad?

Does she lack self-esteem?

No! She’s engrossed

in a bloody phone screen!

The silly cow’s getting in everyone’s way

As she swaps inane drivel on Twitter all day.

She doesn’t have anything useful to say

It’s all just small talk, laced with cliché.

As she peers at her 2-inch square display.

And, slowly, she shuffles,

her shoulders bent,

her eyes downcast.

And I resent her.

She not even looking where she’s going

She’s far more interested in knowing:

§       What Alice did at half past three

§       How much Charlotte fancies Lee

§       That Catherine really needs to pee

§       How Jimmy managed to hurt his knee

§       (The silly sod went into a tree

§       while he was learning how to ski)

(LOL and OMG!)

§       That Helen’s been on a spending spree

§       What Sarah’s watching on TV

§       How Charlotte lost her virginity

§       What Katy and Alex are having for tea

§       What Julie does with potpourri

§       Why Charlotte’s really gone off Lee

§       The blushes when Christine lost her key

§       That Zoe’s favourite cheese is brie

§       That Charlotte has hepatitis b

§       Catherine’s now desperate for a wee

§       What Simon thinks of the referee

§       and why Michael has to disagree

§       Now Charlotte fancies the new trainee.

§       And Catherine’s a fan of Tena Lady.

This woman is so absorbed that she

doesn’t even notice me!

As she shuffles,

her shoulders bent,

her eyes downcast.

And I despise her.

She calls it ‘networking’

and yet it would seem,

she is lonely. And sad.

She has low self-esteem.

You see Twitter allows her to pretend

to kid herself she has hundreds of friends,

all keeping in touch, with gossip to share.

But they never meet her – they really don’t care.

And a couple of sentences aren’t enough

when the chips are down and times are tough.

140 characters just won’t do

and deep down, she knows these friends aren’t true.

That’s why she shuffles,

her shoulders bent,

her eyes downcast.

And I pity her.

© P Wallis 2009

Performed at The Horns, Watford, 12/4/09.