Vinnie Gibbons

The Bastard Attack Poet!

Vinnie Gibbons was born. That much we can be sure of. It was until surprisingly recently it was thought that he was constructed out of old battery acid and squid, but this theory was disproved by a 13 year-old schoolgirl with a Bunsen burner and a washing tab.

Having spent much of his childhood being jumped on by Alan Bennett, Vinnie’s keepers moved him to Italy, where he spent a year learning how to do oil paintings and cook artichokes.

On his return to the Kingdom of Britainshire, he decided to settle in St. Albans, because it “smelt like happy”. He has been quoted as saying that is the ideal place to live because “No-one will ever think to look for me there”.

However, this blissful seclusion has been somewhat challenged lately by Vinnie’s numerous appearances on the spoken word circuit, which have taken in The Glass Onion in Peterborough, Sundown in Southend, The Green Note in Camden, The Maltings Arts Theatre in St. Albans, not to mention numerous other pub back-rooms, theatre foyers and tiny clubs all over the place.

On stage, Vinnie reads his poems. He has written on a variety of subjects, including Dubstep hedgehogs, a giraffe that learns the law of the jungle the hard way, high-street clipboard terrorists, a set of conjoined twins with no bum, Swingball, and a family of frogs made of poo. Sometimes if you ask him nicely he’ll play you a song about an antelope on his banjo. He’s just a regular guy, really…

Vinnie's Facebook Page

Star Wars V. Life

I know more about Tatooine than I do Tunisia

I know you can’t take Droids in the Cantina

I know that if you chuck the barman a tip

He’ll ignore the bounty hunter you just shot to bits

But Tunisia? Aim for Italy, and miss?

I know more about Hoth than I do about Norway

I know it’s a good place for a rebel hideaway

Your Taun-taun will freeze before you reach the first marker

And so will you even in your big Parka

But Norway?  Morten Harket and that’s it.

I know more about the forest moon of Endor than I do the Redwood forest                         

I know gold robots provoke religious stupors

And that speeders make a noise like psychotic scooters

And the Stormtroopers there, their helmets are square

But the Redwood Forest? They got Ewoks there?

I know more about the Death Star than I do about Jupiter

It’s not a moon, it’s a space station

There’s a ruddy big tractor beam that will pull you right in

Bracing the walls of the trash compactors does squat

But Jupiter? Is that the one that’s really hot?

I know more about Degobah than I do about the moors

If you’re an exiled Jedi master you could do a lot worse

There’s a haunted cave that tells you your future

It stinks and it’s rainy, it’s like Aldershot

But the moors? Don’t go out on ‘em. That’s what.

I know more about Gungans than I do about newts

They wear skirty-trouser things- girls think they’re cute

Even Jedi need gadgets to reach their aquatic cities

But isn’t Jar-jar the reason episode one’s all shitty?

But newts? Dunno.. fish or frogs?

I know more about Star Wars than I do about life

Maybe it’s why I have no car and no wife

And on the census my religion is Jedi

Life? Do or do not- there is no try